Friday, October 20, 2006

A Conversation at Madonna's Place

Scene: Madonna and Guy Ritchie are having breakfast and watching E! Entertainment Television on the Skye Satellite. Madonna is leaning forward, her brow furrowed. Guy is blowing bubbles. The children are, of course, nowhere to be seen.

MADONNA (turning off TV): Guy, we need to get one of those babies.

GUY: They're out with the nanny, I think.

MADONNA: No, not one of the children we already have, you idiot. They're too old to be any use anymore. I need a new baby. An adopted one.

GUY: Adopted?

MADONNA: Yes. Look how well it's working for that Jolie person. She's got two of them.

GUY: Wow...two adopted babies. Can I name them? Can they sleep in my bed with me?

MADONNA: Don't be stupid, you talentless fop. They'll sleep in the East Wing with those other kids we have.

GUY: Okay, who do we call?

MADONNA: Anyone who'll take our check.

GUY: I might know somebody, you know. I'm street.

MADONNA: If you're street, I'm a talented writer. Your stepfather was a lord. I keep trying to tell you that. Besides, I don't want some cheap-ass English baby. Anyone can have one of those.

GUY: Chinese?

MADONNA: What is the matter with you? Asian babies are so three years ago. I want to buy a black one.

GUY: But why not just get an English one, I mean, kids in England need homes and families, too.

MADONNA: This is why nobody lets you direct movies anymore, dipshit. I don't care about the kid. Somebody else is going to do that part. I just want to adopt one, so people will know what a great person I am and how much I care. I can't let Angelina Jolie eclipse me, for fuck's sake. My albums aren't doing well, I need all the exposure I can get. As long as there's lots of Vaseline on the lens, anyway.

GUY: We could get one of those English babies with special needs, like an autistic one or something, who really needs the help we could give. That would impress people.

MADONNA: That's not photogenic. God, no wonder your career's in the toilet. I need an attractive black baby, must look good and be healthy and normal, pronto. Make the calls. (She gets up.) I'm going to go screw the gardener, then I'm going shopping, and there better be a black baby waiting for me when I get back.

GUY: Okay. You're such a sweet person, such a good Mommie.

MADONNA (smiles): That's right. They can all call me...Mommie Dearest.

End scene


Robyn said...

I love you.

Bernita said...

My thought too...

S. W. Vaughn said...


The self-styled author thing from her was bad enough. I mean, here's what Madonna had to say when asked why she decided to write a book:

"Now I'm starting to read to my son, but I couldn't believe how vapid and vacant and empty all the stories were. There were like no lessons, just all about princesses and like the beautiful prince arrives and he takes her for his wife and nothing happens, no efforts are made. Nobody asks her what her opinion is, or I didn't see anybody struggling for things. There's like no books about anything."

That's right, dear. There's, like, no books about anything. All those books you see in the bookstore are vapid and vacant and empty. There might as well not be any words on the pages.

I will refrain from comment on the adoption thing. December, you said it far better than I could!

Erik Ivan James said...

Well, my underwear was dry when I put it on. Now I've peed it...wet...holes and all.

Ever thought about switching from erotic romance to erotic satire?....

December Quinn said...

Love you, too, Robyn!

And of course, Bernita. You show the incredible intelligence and taste of all people who agree with me. :-)

Grrrr, Sonya...just grrr. What an (unprintable word) that woman is, and what a rude and insulting comment. If I was a children's book author, I'd have protested--in fact, quite a few of them did, didn't they?

You know, that's one of my secret fantasies, Eric? A totally anachronistic, satiric romance. Where characters say things like, "I wish the television had already been invented so I could tune you out!", or characters look at their wrists and realize there aren't wristwatches yet. Some day...

Sam said...

Aaaagghghh! Runs out the door screaming.


Isabella Snow said...

I'm so missing out on whatever this is. I heard a passing remark about it, haven't had time to google it.

What country is the baby from?

Come on.. don't make me google it...


December Quinn said...

I try to run whenever someone mentions Madonna, too, Sam, but it's unavoidable here.

Africa, Isabella. I foget exactly where in Africa, but I'm gonna guess it's the same place Angelina got her latest baby. Just a hunch.

Anonymous said...

It's a case of more dollars and sense. -JTC