Scene Crit 3
Okay, scene 3, and a bit of a change of pace; this is a "first love" scene (by which I mean it's the all-important first time after "Jack" and "Jill" realize they love each other).
I've been keeping the plot info, blurbs etc. to myself, but I feel compelled to mention for the sake of clarity that the "net" referred to in this scene is a psychic bond, not an actual physical net.
Jack listened actively, his eyes never leaving hers. The room grew dark, until everything dimmed and blurred around them and she could see only him. At last, she fell silent and stared into his drowny deep eyes. Hers filled up and she dropped her gaze as a tear rolled down her face.
Jack placed a tender finger on her cheek to block the tear's path, and they stared at each other. Jill's heart pounded in her throat, her whole body thrilling at his touch. She couldn't speak. She didn't think she could even breathe.
He removed his finger and waited, searching her eyes for a sign of… what? Resistance? Was he mad? No, she knew he wasn't mad. He was just allowing her space and time to make her decision.
She leaned into him and they kissed, and she felt his entire being in the sweet contact. He smelled of sunny skin and wood smoke. His breath was fresh, sweet and warm. She loved him.
With a rush of truth she realised that she really did love this man; she wanted this man; she wanted nothing on earth right now except to have this lovely, precious, wonderful man inside her.
They stared into each other's souls.
"I love you."
They said it at the same time; felt the laughter ripple inside at the same time; felt the love and the truth.
"My love."
They thought and heard each other's thoughts, "Oh, you are my love," and walked upstairs, still entwined, to stand bathed in moonlight in Jill's bedroom. The net hummed and glowed in harmony as they undressed each other slowly, gently, with tenderness and open admiration.
He stood motionless, naked before her, beautiful in the blue light, watching carefully and listening to her thoughts.
"Are you sure, Jill?"
"Jack, I've never felt surer about anything in my life." A thought occurred to her. "Are you okay with this?"
"Okay?" He smiled. "Yes, love. I'm okay with it."
They lay on the bed and kissed; caressing each other; exploring each other; holding, stroking, cupping and kissing and stroking, and all the time gazing intently into each other's eyes; thinking each other's thoughts and feeling each other's emotions.
Jill lay back and opened to him: trusting; trembling; watching. He knelt between her legs and slid gentle fingers inside. Electric shocks shot through her. She was so wet. He moved over her, holding his weight on his forearms for a few seconds while they kissed, and slid into her.
She was in heaven, with hot, hard velvet filling her completely. She felt his sensation, too; felt her soft, firm flesh moulding to him, holding him, clenching him tightly for long moments, felt his shiver from both inside him and inside her.
It was nearly over quickly, and that was no surprise. They stared deep into each other's eyes throughout, blinking slowly, sharing breath, sharing every sensation, sharing a pulse, and Jack came very close to coming after only a few minutes.
She took him in her arms and drew him down beside her. They held on lightly, feeling the trembling subside, murmuring tender love. He kissed her breasts and sucked her nipple while he stroked her belly and down into her hot wetness, slid fingers inside her again, and she was pouring, and he spent gentle time loving her, and she jumped when he found her clit and stroked it, circled it lightly, then faster and firmer and faster and firmer until she came, shuddering and gasping, her eyes wide with joy and wonder.
She climbed astride and sat down on him and, oh, he was hard and deep inside her. She rode him slowly, then building faster and grinding harder. They never broke their intense gaze, and it was beautiful.
They made love all night and Jill lost count of how many times she came. She'd never imagined sex could be so wonderful, so magical, so all embracing and exquisite.
They lay together and watched dawn wash the shadows away, and she knew they would be together forever.
4 comments:
Lyrical and poetic interlude; but somehow cold, without any feeling of urgency: a chaste telling rather than showing of what is never chaste.
This was nice, but it felt very telling.
I think this is the best example of it:
"They lay on the bed and kissed; caressing each other; exploring each other; holding, stroking, cupping and kissing and stroking, and all the time gazing intently into each other's eyes; thinking each other's thoughts and feeling each other's emotions."
There's no indication of what emotion each stroke (used twice) and kiss creates. And it says they shared thoughts and emotions, but not what they were, or each character's reactions to the other's.
I know that some of the descriptive choices like "his drowny deep eyes" and her whole body thrilling at his touch" are part of voice, but they didn't work for me. Rather than create tone, I felt like they were chosen on purpose and it ended up feeling forced.
And the POV...I know the switches and inconsitency were done on purpose because they were in each other's heads, but I noticed them. And I think to create the effect fully, they need to be unnoticeable.
I enjoyed reading this scene, but with a few fixes I think I would love reading it.
Insert my caveat here: one newb writer's personal opinion, others may disagree, etc...which Seeley just proved.
This one is the complete opposite of the other examples, in that the emotions feel overdone (but without any physical effects of them, and thus oddly flat) and the physical descriptions are cursory at best. It's very telly.
And just when it starts to show with this:
She was in heaven, with hot, hard velvet filling her completely. She felt his sensation, too; felt her soft, firm flesh moulding to him, holding him, clenching him tightly for long moments, felt his shiver from both inside him and inside her.
...it jumps right back into tell with this:
It was nearly over quickly, and that was no surprise. They stared deep into each other's eyes throughout, blinking slowly, sharing breath, sharing every sensation, sharing a pulse, and Jack came very close to coming after only a few minutes.
I'm not getting any real connection with either of them, and therefore there's no urgency. Every time I come close to getting into it, things would get all telly again and I would suddenly feel a mile away from the action. Worse, some of the language here seems almost gospel-ish, and that just gives me the weird sensation that I'm reading a passage in the bible. Although if the author is going for a tantric feel, she's halfway there.
You know, part of my problem with this is it sounds not like narrative, but part of a second-hand account.
They lay on the bed and kissed; caressing each other; exploring each other; holding, stroking, cupping and kissing and stroking, and all the time gazing intently into each other's eyes; thinking each other's thoughts and feeling each other's emotions.
Replace all the "they"s with "we"s and this feels like someone recounting the incident to a friend the next day. A rather flowery recounting, but still. The reader is left outside of the moment.
Spelling, grammar, varied sentence structure are all good. I'm thinking the author may be uncomfortable writing sex--but just like having sex, writing it gets easier and more natural the more you do it.
You guys are awesome, seriously. Thank you so much for commenting.
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