Thursday, September 11, 2008

Scene Crit 4--Critted

Overall this was very nice! Good sense of desperation, some nice character expansion. The main issues here are the need to vary sentence length and structure, and develop a better sense of rhythm. There's also a tendency to use phrases like "she felt", which actually remove the reader from the feeling (more on that in the comments). Also, try not to use "that" so much; it's not always necessary as a bridge ("she thought that she would explode" should be "she thought she would explode") or as a descriptive word or whatever the actual name for it is ("the hair that covered" should be "the hair covering".)

But overall, this is good. Nice job!

She had taken only two steps when she heard Jack’s voice directly behind her. Lose directly

“You will not change my mind.”

Jill cringed at being caught eavesdropping. The stubborn set of his jaw served only to accentuate the fullness of his lips. You might want to mention she turns around, because going from cringing to his stubborn jaw feels a little abrupt. She forced herself not to recall the feel of them on her skin. Nice “You will not keep me prisoner in my own home.”

“You are not my prisoner.”

“No? Open the gates, I wish to go for a ride.”

“You will not leave these walls unescorted.”

“I do not need you to act as nursemaid to me.” Good dialogue, nice and smooth, gives us a good sense of character/conflict She turned to leave and forgot her wounded ankle. Unable to stifle the cry of pain she started falling forward and reached out. Hmm. How about: She turned to leave, but her wounded ankle had other plans/thoughts. Pain shot up her leg. A cry she couldn’t stifle broke the still air; she fell forward, her arms grabbing wildly at nothing. Jack grabbed her, pulled her toward the solid wall of his body. Or something like that. She’s falling but strong hands grabbed her, broke her fall? That sort of thing. I think this paragraph can be smoother; I don’t like the “unable to stifle the cry of pain she started falling forward and” bit, or “she found herself”. She found herself pulled back and pressed against Jack. One hand gripped her shoulder, the other wrapped around her waist, his palm pressed against her belly holding her to his hips.

“No?” Tthe whispered word caressed the skin of her neck and a shiver coursed down her spine. She heard him inhale her scent and heat pooled felt heat pool between her thighs. She would not let him do this to her. He could not do this to her, she wouldn’t allow it.

Spinning on her good ankle to face him, she tried to step away from his sensual heat. Structure! I know we want to avoid starting so many sentences in a row with “She” but there has to be a better way to avoid this. “Her ankle throbbed. She shifted her weight to the good one and tried” or “Thank God she still had one good ankle. She shifted her weight to it” or “Her body wanted to stay pressed against his, but she was stronger. She pushed herself away”. Her skirt could tangle around her legs, her breasts could heave, there’s all sorts of stuff you can put in there to fix it. Something along those lines. Strong hands held her in place. His mouth hovered near hers, the scent of honey ale on his breath. Her heart pounded in her ears.

“You need me more than you know.” His arms wrapped around her like bands of steel holding her to him. Bands of steel is a little cliché. Not awful but you might see what else you can come up with.

She did not need him. Not to protect her, and not to please her. “You are sorely mistaken, my lord.” She struggled against his arms but he held her in place. Could probably lose that line. “Castle has no need of your protection. Any who attack here will be threatening you, not Bob. The only sure way to see Castle secure is to leave.” He must leave. Before Another Character arrived, he must leave.

He licked his lips and her breasts swelled. Nice! “You forget my orders, my lady.” His confining arms moved on her, from holding her bound before him to holding her pressed against him. With a will of its own her body relaxed, leaning forward against the broad expanse of his chest, the narrow angle of his hips angle? and the muscles of his thighs. “I am to protect Castle, aye. But I am also to wed you. And it’s a duty I look forward to much more than pacing the battlements and watching for Cymric arrows.” His hands wandered over her back as he held her easily against him. Could lose everything after “as he held her”. Her bones seemed to melt as he stroked her. Two sentences in a row end with “her”; consider changing one. Maybe “His hands wandered over her back. It felt like her bones were melting”. Or combine it with this next sentence, which I am not crazy about: His hands wandered over her back, making her bones melt, making her nipples harden painfully against the fabric of her gown.” Sensitive against the fabric of her gown, her nipples hardened. A gasp of pleasure escaped her mouth lose “mouth” when he crushed her tender breasts against his hard chest.

“Aye, ‘twill be a much more pleasant duty to wed and bed you, Jill.”

His mouth came down on her open lips and the slick heat of his tongue stroked hers. Hmm. For some reason this feels a little yuck to me. The slick heat of his tongue…I dunno. The sensual caress of his mouth on hers watch your “hers”s; we know it’s hers, you don’t have to tell us every time he does something that he’s doing it to her. sent her arms around him. She clung to him as he backed her up against the wall of the stable. His palm closed over one breast and he gently kneaded the small mound of flesh. He caught her soft moan with his lips and sent it back to her. His palm closed over/covered one breast, gently kneading it, and she gave a soft, low moan. He caught it with his lips, gave back one of his own. That sort of thing. The taste of his breath in her mouth sent a rivulet of dew trailing down her thigh. Dew? A rivulet of dew? How liquidy is her lubrication? She could think of nothing but the feel of his mouth on her. She wanted him to tear off her gown and kiss her breasts. She wanted him to lift her skirts and press those full lips to the soft flesh of her thighs. Okay, all of these sentences have the exact same rhythm and basically the same length. So it feels dull and repetitive. Combine a few of them. You’ve got some good emotional/physical reaction stuff here—though it could be expanded—but it’s hard to feel it with the samey sentence structure.

As if he could read her thoughts, she felt her skirts rise. His hand moved over the flesh he exposed. As if he could read her thoughts, his hands found her skirt, lifting it, caressing the bare skin beneath.

Holding her to the wall with one hand pressed against her breast, he lowered himself and shouldered her legs apart. I’d say knelt instead of lowered himself, it’s kind of confusing as is. His tongue lapped at the moisture on her thigh and she shuddered in pleasure. The muscles of her sex clenched tightly at the new sensation.

He slid his tongue across her skin and into the hollow where her leg met her hip. Do you mean where her leg meets her hip (which is the outside of her thigh), or where it meets her ladyparts? How about “the hollow where her leg gave way to other, more sensitive parts”? Waves of intensity pulled at her, drawing her into the pleasure, tugging at her senses. “Drawing her in” instead of “drawing her into the pleasure”; aside from that, nice.

His mouth moved against her skin. She could feel his breath on the nest of hair that covered her mons. “Nest” isn’t really very sexy. On the delicate hair, on the soft hair? “Covering” her mons instead of “that covered”. And how about “His hot breath stirred the hair”? Try to stay away from describing physical sensations with “she felt”; it removes us from the action. If she felt like she was going to explode, that’s fine, but if she felt his hand move up her ribs, just say his hand moved up her ribs. Her clit swelled, sensitive and full, aching to be touched. She moved her hand to it reached for it, seeking to press it, stroke it, ease the horrible tension. His fingers closed over her wrist and pulled her hand away. A frustrated grunt escaped her and she tried again to touch her clit. It’s not very ladylike to grunt; couldn’t she groan instead? Grunt is the noise rutting pigs make.

His tongue caressed her swollen labia and she was forced to reach for his shoulder instead.

He teased and licked, but he went nowhere near the part of her that needed attention the most. She needed release. She needed to press and stroke that tiny bit of flesh. Perhaps he didn’t even know it was there? All nice

She ran her fingers into his hair and tried to guide him to it. How about shoved her fingers into his hair? You usually think of running fingers through hair, not into it He resisted, instead turning to her thighs again. Take out instead or put it after again. He completely avoided her clit. She was wet, cream slid down her legs and he focused himself on it, licking her clean. I’m not going to say anything here, but it’s a personal squick of mine.

His tongue pressed against her, slid over her, everywhere but the place she needed it most.

Desperate, she tried again to touch herself, to give herself the release he couldn’t. He brushed her hand away. She let go of his shoulder and leaned back against the wall, balanced on one shaking leg. Her hands moved to her center, desperately searching for release. Very nice. We feel her desperation here, and his dominance. However, we’re also starting to suspect he really doesn’t know what he’s doing, so he better find the money soon.

His fingers caught hers, pulling them from her and forcing them to her sides. He smiled up at her. Grinned or some other word might be better—a smile can be innocent and sweet. We want some sense that he’s deliberately teasing her, not that he really thinks he’s doing what he should She growled in frustration and couldn’t stop her hips from thrusting forward at him.

A sly smile slid over his features. “See how much you need me?” See, he was already smiling, so how can the smile spread across his features again?

Frustration turned to confusion as she wondered if he truly thought he was giving her what she needed. She could not imagine being married to this man, forced to endure the fumbling teases of his mouth everywhere but on her. Well, no, his mouth is on her, just not where it’s supposed to be. You might want to clarify that. Her clit ached. She needed to touch it, to feel orgasm grip her and send her spiraling away from the incomplete caresses he offered. From his incomplete caresses.

She fought him, trying to regain control of her hands so that she might show him what he should be doing, what she really needed. “Release me and I’ll show you what I need since you obviously have no knowledge what truly pleases a woman.” Since she says “what I need”, take it out of the exposition immediately before.

His dark eyes clouded, and she could see something in them change. Something in them changed It was a look she’d almost seen before. She was sure she’d caught glimpses of it from the corner of her eye.

“No?” He whispered the word and she could feel the challenge in it. Felt the challenge, not could feel

He gave her no time to respond. Holding her hands to her side he moved forward don’t need moved forward and sucked her clit into his mouth. Stars burst around her at the sensation of his hot lips pulling on the tiny bud of flesh. Burst around her as his hot lips… Her womb clenched, Her womb clenched? That always confuses me her legs quivered and she struggled against him to release her hands. Struggled to free her hands? His teeth tortured her as he slipped his tongue into her and fucked her with it.

She screamed her pleasure and he released her hands. She pushed desperately at his head. She had to remove him so that take out “that” she could finish. She pulled at his hair, tugging so hard she knew it would hurt and yet he didn’t let go. She gripped his jaw, but the feeling of it working on her sensitized flesh only heightened her need to have him stop. Balancing on the edge of a knife she prayed for release, but it wouldn’t come. He toyed with her clit, sucking it, nibbling at it, licking it, but with his hands locked around her legs she couldn’t push him off of her.

Tears welled in her eyes as she felt the crest of pleasure begin to fade. as the crest of pleasure began to fade or began fading or faded Why wouldn’t he let go? She needed him to step back, let her touch herself so that take out “that” she could finish. Actually, take out the whole phrase and leave it at “let her touch herself”; you’ve made it clear she needs to touch herself to finish.

Seeming to sense the change in her, he leaned back and let her skirts fall. Whimpering with unsatisfied need she pulled desperately at her skirts. Skirts 2x She ignored his confused expression and slid her hands against her wet flesh. Rhythm, rhythm, rhythm. Vary the flow of those three sentences. Furiously she worked against that tiny button. Her leg, no longer able to support her, buckled and she slid down the wall to the soft straw that covered the ground. Covering the ground.

She could feel his eyes on her as her orgasm neared. Felt, not “could feel” And when it finally reached her she looked up at him. I’d combine those two sentences With her gaze focused on his mouth, still wet with her juices, eew she came. Her head spun, her limbs became leaden. Expand this a bit She remained in place until her breath evened and her heart slowed. He stared at her, watching her slowly recover. How about combining those sentences? She remained in place, conscious of his steady gaze, until her breath evened and her heart slowed.

Instead of the satisfied grin she she’d seen on Another Character’s face, Jack looked at her at her as if she were a lamb and he a starving wolf. Nice Weighted by the craving that filled his eyes craving in his eyes she remained in place as he stood and walked away from her.

She watched him go, unable to understand why he would look at her so, and why she felt as if something was missing.

When she was finally able to stand, she lifted herself from the covered dirt floor and walked across the bailey on shaking legs.

1 comment:

Bernita said...

Seems the topic, so I can't think of anything to add.