Monday, September 15, 2008

Scene Crit 6--the last one--critted

Jill wanted to put Jack at ease, to make him understand she wasn’t a threat, and it occurred to her that everyone here needed him. They needed him to guide and decide, to fix and save. Everyone wanted something from him. Except me. It made her want to give him something just because.

Certain they were alone, Jill put an unmistakable look in her eyes. That’s a bit clunky. The sentence structure is my least favorite, and “putting an unmistakeable look in her eyes” just feels a bit meh. How about something like “They were alone. Jill glanced around to double check. Definitely alone. She allowed a little sparkle to creep into her eyes” or “She widened her eyes, put her hand on his knee.” “I have many talents to offer.” She began gently stroking his groin. She gently stroked his groin He was handsome, and if, like most men, mating put him in a better mood, a trusting mood, it would be doubly beneficial. Heh, cute.

He began to swell in her hand.He swelled in her hand. You don’t really describe him anywhere in here as being semi-tumescent, so you can just say it His expression of mistrust was overpowered by a strong rush of desire. A rush of desire is a feeling, not an expression, and if you describe his feeling you’re in his POV. “His expression of mistrust faded, his features relaxing as she kept stroking” or “The wariness in his eyes faded, replaced by something darker, something deeper.” As he gave in, she watched his features relax. He seemed younger, like someone else altogether. How long had it been since he put aside the burdensome weight of his rule? Nice little character moment there In that moment, she too, put something aside: her belief that he was callous. He was only harsh because they needed him to be. For these moments, she would make him remember himself, remember that he was more than a ruler. She wanted him to remember that he was a man. This is all nice. I might take out “For these moments” but it’s fine as is. The last line is especially nice

“And do you offer these talents freely?”

He cannot trust me to be genuine! Has nothing been given him for kindness’ sake? A tad melodramatic Again, she felt pity for him. Tell tell tell. I’d remove her thoughts and replace with something about how his mistrust, the wariness he must live with every day or whatever, sent a pang through her chest or made her eyes sting or some other show of pain/pity “If it would please you, I do.”

The size of him was impressive. Very ladylike. Maybe try “His size impressed her”? Her abdomen clenched tight in anticipation, nicebut she knew this was not to be a moment for her pleasure. She had to give now, not take.

Abruptly, his features hardened again. She knew the ruler had returned. Take out “She knew” He grabbed her hand and jerked it aside, held it there. “I know what you are doing! Do you really need this exclamation point?You seek status and influence. You failed to gain it from The Other Man.” He snorted a laugh. Snorted a laugh sounds a bit odd “I will offer you no status either, Jill.”

She jerked her hand free. “I have not asked you to give me anything!” He was so uncomfortable without that mantle pressing down upon him! Exclamation points really! Jar! The reader! You can keep the second if you must but I’d remove the one in dialogue“I am only trying to show you kindness,” she said as she lowered herself to her knees, “for all that you have given me.” I’d lose the tag. Just have her lower herself to her knees then say the line Deftly, quickly, she opened his breeches, and released the ready length of him. released his ready length

Suddenly a cold dagger lay against her throat. “Stop,” he said. I’m not cray about starting sentences with “suddenly”. Maybe the cold dagger appears at her throat instead?

“Hold your weapon if you like, but let me give you this, Jack.” Her hands wrapped around the silky warmth of his erection. “You’ve been generous with your hospitality. Let me show you my gratitude.” She took the velvet tip of him his velvet tip into her mouth. He didn’t command her to stop. Cupping his balls, Jill caressed him as she took him all the way in and then all the way out, sucking the tip before repeating the motion. And how does all that feel? How does he feel in her hands, in her mouth? How does he taste? What is she thinking as she does this? You could also expand this, I think. Make her move slower, ad more tongue action. Don’t just dspense with the blow job in one sentence, let us experience it with her

Jack sighed, dropped the dagger, and put his hands in her hair. Nice. I’d maybe have him shove his hands into her hair instead, but his acquiescence here is good

Jill took up the tea mug and poured honey—honey that never mixed into the brew—onto the tip of his cock, then lapped it up while stroking the length of him, her hand squeezing with enough pressure to appreciate just how hard he was. Again, I think you could expand this and give us a better sense of what she’s feeling and thinking, what he tastes like covered with honey, what the texture of the honey is, you know?

Then Jack forced her off of him. No “Then”; starting sentences with “Then” when referring to time is usually unnecessary For an instant she feared the mantle had returned again, but he said, “Take down your breeches and turn around.” His voice was thick and husky. Nice dialogue and action; maybe mention his voice being thick and husky in a different way? “But he said in a thick, husky voice, ‘Take down…’”? or “’…and turn around,’ in a voice thick with sex” or “thick and husky”. Something like that.

“As you wish,” she said. Don’t need this tag Jill slipped the fabric down and put herself onto all fours, eager and ready. Isn’t this awfully abrupt? I mean, sure, I don’t have the context, but it does strike me as a bit odd On his knees, Jack folded the length of her shirt up and put fingertips tentatively to her buttocks drawing little circles on her skin. Was he on his knees before? This sentence doesn’t work for me. How about “Jack sank to his knees and folded the length of his shirt up. His fingertips drew tiny circles on her buttocks, tentative at first, then with growing confidence. She felt his gaze on her, on her most sensitive, most delicate parts. It thrilled her, made her shiver. Something like that? Because I’m also not crazy about “a thrill tingled over her”; it just feels sort of clunky. And really, he is looking at her ladyparts, and she should be reacting to that. She’s essentially being very bolg and displayed those parts to him, so there should be some response aside from her reaction to his. Is she thrilled by her wanton behavior? Excited, aroused, nervous? A thrill tingled over her and Jill shivered, delighted. “Please,” she whispered. “Take what you want.”

He angled himself at her wet opening, rubbing the tip of his cock down and up, spreading the wetness. Just down and up? And how does that feel? Having the head of a nice hard cock rubbed around your sensitive spots is pretty good in itself; she should react physically to that just as much as seeing him or thinking of where he was. Over her shoulder she watched him: I don’t like the colon; I’ use a semicolon instead. I love semicolons mouth slightly open, that unshaven jaw so male. I like the unshaven jaw being male but having his mouth slightly open makes him seem kind of gormless, I think The posture of a man about to mate, touching her and holding himself, about to enter, it lose “itmade a rush of wet heat between her legs. Upon feeling him pressing at her opening again, she backed onto him as he pushed into her. This makes it sound as though all of this happens at the same time, and the tenses are off. Also I’m not crazy about starting the sentence with “Upon”; it feels a little formal for fucking. How about “His cock pressed at her opening, questioning, teasing her, driving her mad. She wanted it inside her, wanted to be impaled on him, but he kept circling her entrance until finally she shoved herself back, enveloping his hard length in her hot, wet channel” or something like that? It made the entry a rough motion, but she was wet enough to allow roughness. The rough entry forced her walls to stretch, forced a cry from her throat Jill liked mating that left her a little sore; it left her with a reminder of the activity. Nice She met his thrusts eagerly, trying to let him know she meant her words literally. I think she’s already shown him that. I’d focus more on how she met his thrusts eagerly and how that felt, how she wanted to hear him groan or sigh, wanted to get a reaction from him like the one he was creating in her, you know what I mean?

His strong hands gripped her hips and held her in place. Nice, but how did that feel? Is it a delicious ache where his fingertips dig into her skin?

Jill didn’t resist. She let him be in control of her, in control of this moment. Don’t let him be in control; let him take control. Taking is always sexy Gods knew he needed it, and gods knew he wouldn’t enjoy it otherwise. If only they had time, perhaps he could learn to take the mantle off completely, but building trust was not a quick feat for him. Wouldn’t “easy” work better than “not a quick feat”? That’s a little confusing and wordy/clunky And, for now, having him sheathing the length of him inside her in slow, deep strokes felt so good that a moan slipped from her mouth. But what does the moan slipping from her mouth have to do with what she was just thinking? Saying “And, for now,” implies her next thought will be related to the ones prior, do you know what I mean? So to just have her moan,and not think something like “And for now…she’d take whatever she could get” or “And for now…getting him to share his body was enough.”

* * *
You don’t need a scene break here. If you need a break, just leave a blank space. Of course this depends on house style but generally you can get by with just a line break

Jack knew his hospitality had been quite lacking. These next few paragraphs are awfully calm and reasoned for a man balls-deep inside a woman. I know we have to get a baseline of his thoughts, but it would be nice if he was a bit more delirious/confused/whatever, you know? Or just not so detached. “Jack ulled back slowly, watching his cock reappear coated with Jill’s slick moisture. That she was doing this, allowing him inside her, even after he’d been so rude (or whatever)… It made no sense. She owed him nothing, but was giving him everything. Pleasure invaded every inch of his body, every muscle, every vein…” That sort of thing. Incorporate the sex into his thought process, don’t let us forget what they’re doing.

His healer had meant to aid Jill, but her gods had healed her. She owed him nothing. Surely she knew this and was only seeking leverage to manipulate him.

Somehow, like this, knowing they would share the pleasure, he could allow himself to partake of it and maintain his belief that he could send her away.

When she began to moan, though, that low melodious tone expanded his excitement. He forced himself to slow down, not willing to be done yet. not willing to finish yet He leaned forward, laying his chest upon her back. Shifting his hips from this position his thrusts became shallow strokes, but he could cup her breasts. They filled his hands more than he had anticipated. And aside from that, how did they feel? How does she feel around him? Is his body straining to finish? Is his heart pounding, his breath rattling, his blood rushing in his ears? Wanting desperately to touch her bare flesh, he reached under the shirt and put fingertips to the puckered flesh around her nipples. So soft, round and firm! !!! He pinched the tips. Immediately she tucked her hips away then bucked hard against him, thrusting him deep. How did that feel for him? “Mmmmm. I love that,” she whispered. “Harder.. Mmmm.” She bucked again. Again. Nice repetition of “again”; adds urgency.

He kept the pressure on her nipples, and twisted a little, and feeling the bounce of her breasts in his palms like the ebb of the ocean as she rutted against him. This could be just a personal thing but I’m not a fan of “rutted” The way she used her body was unique, as if he’d never done this with a partner who enjoyed it enough to know what to do. Well had he, or hadn’t he? “as if” implies that isn’t the case but he’s comparing it to what it would be like if it was the case. And again, let us see more of what he feels here. Is he amazed by her enjoyment, by the unique (good word) movements of her body? Thrilled? Etc.

In his experience, women let him take what he needed, and loved it when he made the effort to see to their needs as well. But Jill, Jill knew what felt good to her, and moved eagerly, seeking pleasure as heatedly as he usually sought it. nice

Her head fell forward and she pushed back harder, used her arms more lose “more to ride against him with stronger strokes. By the gods, as she moved every sensation became enhanced, her movements enhanced every sensation/intensified every sensation—nice though and her little moans made him want to explode. He raised up and gripped her hips again. Rolling his hips with each strong thrust, mimicking her former motion, he felt her abruptly go rigid and she cried out. He rolled his hips with every thrust, mimicking her prior/previous/former motion, and she went rigid. Her voice broke the air, her cries of pleasure and abandon filling the glen, echoing in the still air etc. Jill’s lovely voice filled the glen with the cries of her pleasure. Jack felt her insides go hot, slick, and squeeze onto him so tighter. Her insides went hot, slick. Her walls gripped him with a force unlike anything he’d ever experienced He could fight it no more. His fingers dug into her hips yanking her on and off of him savagely until his pleasure came. run-on; needs punctuation. I’m not crazy about “yanking” either but it’s not bad. I’m not crazy about referring to an orgasm as “his pleasure”, simply because presumably he’s been feeling pleasure all this time, but again, it’s up to you


Seeley deBorn said...

Very nice! (I had to read the other one so I could read without interruption but thought I'd post in here).

There were a few awkward moments, like when they shift positions, and a lot of "of" that can be taken out to tighten the sentences.

You kinda lost momentum shifting POV. I like the shift, like being in his head, but it kinda seemed like we went back to the beginning and had to rebuild the tension we already had in her POV.

Oh, and I like the word rutting. ;)

Bernita said...

Thank you, December for all these.
Very helpful.useful!