Because I'm Lazy and Drunk

I don't have a blog topic at the moment. So why don't you tell me what to blog about?


G'head. Ask me a question. Suggest a topic. Anything you want to hear My Illustrius Opinion on.

Unromantic, unsexy sex

So I just finished reading an erotic romance from an author I've never read before, a very popular best-selling-type writer (whose name I will not reveal.)

Eh. It was okay, I guess. I had some issues with the idea of someone who'd time-travelled from the particular time and place using modern expressions. I had issues with some of the background because it was not historically accurate (not as bad as the person who thought medieval men's hose were actual pantyhose, and so put a waistband in them, and had the man wearing them under a kilt. But whatever. The inaccuracies weren't that bad. It's just that I don't think Dark Age Druids would use "For the love of Christ" as an expleteive. I'm just saying.)

But something really, really bothered me about this book. Once I got past the initial stuff anf the story moved to modern day, it was fine. I enjoyed it. I was getting a little tired of the way the H/h kept making out all over the place and never actually even getting to third base, but whatever. Sexual tension is just dandy, and it was perking along quite nicely.

Then we got to the Big Scene. The one where I, the Reader, knew we were in for one fantastic sex scene. I was ready to read this scene. I thought the hero was pretty sexy. The heroine had, like all good little romance heroines, been "saving herself" and so was a virgin (a fact the H/h discussed several times), but that didn't bother me. I don't mind the defloration so much.

So here we go. They're making out all over the place in an empty room in a castle. They've had the romantic little talk about how she wants him to be her first. Lalala.

And then...

he bends her over a desk and takes her from behind.

Yes, you read that right. The romantic first time for the heroine is frickin' doggie-style over a desk.

Isn't that romantic?

And he made her talk dirty, too.

Now, don't get me wrong. Having characters bent over furniture is fine. Dirty talk is fine. Believe me, my characters get up to all kinds of things in all kinds of places.

But you know what? That's not romantic. It's sexy, sure. But the first sex scene after the "I love you"s should not be from behind! He couldn't even look at her! She couldn't look at him! Who the hell thought that was a good idea?

There is a difference between romantic sex and erotic sex. Wait. That came out wrong, like I don't think they can be both. They can, of course. What I mean is...some moments in a book call for a tender, loving sex scene. The first sex scene after the "I love you"s is generally one. The heroine's First Time is definitely one.

The sex should evolve and change just as the characters and their relationship do. It's fine to have all kinds of crazy sex all over the place. But when we finally have an emotional connection, when the H & h are finally truly baring their souls to each other, they should be looking at each other.

That scene-the only truly detailed sex scene in the book-lost me. I don't even remember it very well. I skimmed it, because I was so irritated that in the author's Big Emotional Moment she got scared, and skipped the emotion, and instead gave us a fairly clinical description of two bodies having sex, not two people making love.

Not to mention that as a woman, I couldn't imagine the heroine wouldn't feel pretty upset and cheated that at this very important moment for her, her man doesn't even want to look at her. That he doesn't kiss her once while the action is happening. That her first time is being turned into some porno movie and not the special moment she obviously always wanted it to be.

Nothing's wrong with writing scenes where that position is used. It can be pretty hot. I've done several, every erorom writer I know has done them.

But pick your moments, please.

What's the worst sex scene you ever read? One where you would have gotten out of bed (or the car, or the room, or whatever) because somebody's actions in the heat of the moment were such a turn-off?

And In Other News

It seems convicted child rapist Victor Salva managed to get himself another job directing a movie. The film is called "Peaceful Warrior" and is open in select cities now.



PLEASE DO NOT see this movie. Don't go see it, don't rent it, don't buy it when it becomes available. And please tell your friends not to go see it, either.

Every time you buy a ticket to see that monster's films, you send a message.

Think about what that message is. Think about whether or not that's a message you really want to send.

As Bad As A...really bad thing.

So I'm working. Well, sort of working, anyway. My current WIP needs pretty much an entire re-write, top to bottom, which is a little discouraging, but 've realized a couple of things about my characters that means my initial scenes are totally off. So back to the drawing board. Better now than later, eh? Still sucks though.

Anyway, I was thinking about comparisons, about similes and metaphors, and how they're used, and what uses are cliche. Like how "cold as death" is cliche. It still works, or rather, still can work, but it's an oft-used simile and so one to try and avoid.

Coming up with new ones is hard, though, isn't it? Especially when you have a mind like mine that runs to understatement and silliness. Especially when your secret fantasy is to someday write a romance spoof, an anachronistic historical, one that uses every cliche in the business. (Seriously. I dream of this and how amusing it could be if I could do it right.)

Today as I made ready to hop in the shower, I closed the windows. It's a little cool outside today and I didn't want to freeze when I got out of the bathroom wearing only a towel. (The bathroom window is usually closed. I don't trust those people across the street not to peep at me as I brush my teeth. Call it paranoia, I don't care.) I was thinking how cold it was, and the phrase, "Cold as a cold, cold ass" went through my mind.

That's right, folks. Cold as a cold, cold ass.

That's poetry, that is. I should win a Pulitzer for that one.

But really, don't we all think of stupid comparisons like that? Similes or metaphors that just don't work, not in English or any other language? That say nothing, and say it badly?

I once read something about this subject, and the writer used an example from-I believe-Erica Jong. The phrase was, "the dawn sky was the color of fuschianated water in some half-forgotten apothecary jar", or something like that. Sounds poetic, if a bit odd, but it the only word that tells us anything about the actual sky is "fuschianated". (Which I might have spelled wrong.) All the other stuff is wasted, pretentious muddle words thrown in to try and make the line sound smarter than it is.

It's not necessarily the fault of the writer, though, because we all do stuff like that. We all write that stuff, in a desperate attempt to find a way to express ourselves that's original, that grabs the reader, that says what we want it to say without resorting to the tired old standards.

What was yours? What simile or metaphor or whatever did you think of, maybe even wrote down, that you later realized either made no sense or was just plain ridiculous?

Or did you read one somewhere that you want to share? (Please do!)

Me and my cold, cold ass will be waiting eagerly to read them.

I Like Men Who Hit People

I was going to write about my obsession with Cold Case, but then it occurred to me that A)it's probably pretty dull to read about (unless you're a fan, in which case, please comment! But keep in mind I'm quite a bit behind) and B)that would probably only lead me to one of the reason I love Cold Case so much, and it's because I have a geeky love thing for Det. Valens. I loooove him. Why? Well, he's fairly hot, although not in that "Oh my God who is THAT?" kind of way. No, I love him because he bit the living snot out of that pedophile in the park. Just walked up to the guy, presumable led him away into that tunnel or whatever, and beat the man into a bloody pulp.

That's when it occurred to me. With very few exceptions, the heroes in my books tend to be, well, pretty damn violent. They fight with swords or they beat people up for a living or whatever. Why is this? Why did I, as an eight-year-old, form such an attachment to Conan? (BTW they're apparently remaking the Conan movie-the first one, the good one. Blasphemy!) (BTW again I read an article once by a woman who interviewed Schwarzenegger not too long after his election as Governor. He keeps his Conan sword in his office. He let her hold it. I think I would die if I got to actually hold Conan's real sword.)

I digress. My point is, leaving out, of course, men who are violent or abusive towards women (which is so unsexy I don't even need to tell you how revolting it is), what is it about a man who thinks with his fists that's so appealing? Is it because we see it as a sign of virility, because our little hormones were hot wired in prehistoric times to go for the man who could protect us against wild animals or whatever, and so fighting prowess automatically equals sexy?

I would think so, but I've had the sneaking suspicion at times--usually when reading other romance novels in which the hero is supposed to be tough but actually behaves like a friggin' eunuch--that there aren't too many women out there who think the way I do. I've often felt there's an unwritten rule in romance writing that while it's okay to talk about how tough your hero is, and to discuss battles he fought and won, it's somehow distasteful to depict him really and truly kicking the shit out of people, especially if maybe he enjoys it a little bit.

And we musn't dare imply the heroines are turned on by watching Our Hero kick ass. Noooo, they're all supposed to hate his violent drinking roughhousing side, because it means they have to spend more time making poultices from recipes passed down by their grannies, instead of helping sick children or making pies or inventing plaster casts to help a sweet dog walk again. They want him to stop being so darned mean and rough and be all affectionate and looove people, and forgive his enemies, and whatever other crap we're supposed to buy from those godawful Mary Sue-esque heroines who teach Our Hero how to get in touch with his feminine side.

Yes, there are exceptions. But to me this goes with the other unwritten rule about how the hero can never kill the bad guy. The bad guy can die, sure, but he's always beset by bandits or taken ill or accidentally drowns. Blah. We cheer when Mel Gibson kills the bad guys, so why not our romance heros?

What do you think? How tough should he be? What particular form of violence turns you on, if it does, and if it doesn't, why not? Can you think of any good examples of either a real, true, tough guy hero or a real, true, wimpish hero?

The More Things Change...

the more I really, really hate them. Yahoo already changed its homepage in the US a few weeks ago, which pissed me off but I wasn't saying much. I only check Yahoo US once a day or so, anyway, to get the headlines.

Now they're changing it in the UK, too. And they always act like it's such a good thing. "Oooh, we've made special changes! Look! Bright! Shiny!" Well I hate the new homepage. It's ugly and it's (for me, at least) counterintuitive, and I wish they'd just leave well enough alone. Quit fucking with it! It doesn'r work any better or faster, why do you have to mess with it?

Anybody know of a good homepage I can use, with headlines and stuff?


In other news I've been having an absolute blast the last couple of days here. Superdickery. Serously, even if you're not a comic geek or even a mild fan you'll laugh, I promise. Set aside some time, though, there's almost 200 images in the "Examples of Superdickery" alone. The one where Superman explains why he won't marry Lana or Lois (15th in the gallery, but start from the beginning, trust me) made me laugh so hard I literally could not speak, and I was still giggling over it hours later. In fact, I'm still giggling about it now.

So that's what's happening with me. I'm hoping to finish one WIP this week, and that won't happen if I don't get to work. So off I go.

Technorati tags: yahoo superman superdickery

Fun with Nonpaying Publishers

Looks like we have a new publisher to avoid. Ocean's Mist Press has apparently kept one of its authors-one that we know about, anyway-waiting over a month for her royalties, which by contract she should have received weeks ago.

Jade James tells the story of her wait in her blog. Niiice. Nice that an author finally has to ask on her author loop when she's going to get paid. Nice that her publisher keeps sending her double-speak and acting like it's her fault.

This is why websites like Absolute Write(back after the crisis-!) and Preditors & Editors are so important. So that we know when stuff like this is happening, and we can warn others about it.

(Which is another way of saying you can make a donation to Absolute Write, if you wanted to. Personally, Jade, if I were you, I'd take those books you were going to ffer as free downloads to Lulu, make them downloadable for a buck, and donate the proceeds to P&E or AW, just to spite them. :-) But then I'm fairly vindictive.)

I'd love to hear any updates on this, if anyone knows anyone else who's being cheated. Jade says P&E has been notified, so that's good.

All work and no play

Well, it hasn't been that long since I updated last, I guess. It just feels like a long time to me. I've been working my butt off. Seriously. I have two projects going and I think between the two of them I've written about 35k words in the last two weeks or so. Gasp. I haven't been sleeping well, either, and my hubby tries to be sweet by letting me sleep until 11 am but then I'm up half the night again. Whick is fine because I like to work at night, but it would be good to get to bed before three at least a couple of times. Of course, the fact that I've lately been reading a bunch of books about Jack the Ripper doesn't really aid sleep, if you know what I mean.

Nor does the temperature. IT went from cold to hot here overnight, and of course there's no air conditioning for reasons I cannot fathom. No screens on the windows, no a/c, and the carts at the grocery store slide all over the place because the rear wheels aren't fixed. It's like trying to push a cart across ice.

Seriously, England. These are not new technologies. It's not like the US invested millions of dollars into building shopping carts that don't require the strength of a friggin gorilla to maneuver. I watch people wrestling with these things at the grocery store every day. Fix the back wheels!

Nor is the US the only country that cracked that air conditioning thing, and I'm pretty sure the idea of putting a screen on a window so no bugs fly in has been around for a while, too. I appreciate the history here, I do, and I know I have to adapt and blah blah blah. But it's a screen, okay? You're not losing a valuable part of your national identity if you keep bees and flies out of your house.

I can easily adjust to pretty much everything else, but damn, sleeping with the windows open and nothing between me and the outdoors bothers me, for a number of paranoiac reasons.

But then maybe that's just me. :-)

A New Review!

I just got a review for my Teaser from Fallen Angel Reviews!

"Ms. Quinn seems to have an incredible talent for remaking random, ordinary settings into a HOT place for seduction. This flair is more than apparent in The Ice House, which is sure to open your imagination to the erotically raw potential of the wilderness. At the same time, I enjoyed the bit more drama A Fine Line offered. The primary focus of both short stories, however, is on the sexual chemistry between its couples. As such, readers may find the characters a little vague, but overall likeable. With hints of BDSM, this Torrid Teaser is a surefire way to quickly heat up a night. Look out because these pages are scorching!"

Thanks to the reviewer, Jen. H.

You can check out the review and the rest of this excellent site here:


Fallen Angel Reviews

Alan Moore and Lost Girls

Okay, I said I was going to blog about this so here it goes. (And yes, I'm aware that opening line is about as insipid as it gets. Too bad.)

Alan Moore, for those of you who don't know, is a comic book writer. He wrote From Hell, V For Vendetta, Watchmen (which is one of my favorite books, btw)...a whole list of others, excellent reads all. I especially liked his run on Swamp Thing which was both romantic and spooky, and Promethea which I think any writer would do well to read.
Anyway. Alan Moore has a new work coming out. It's called Lost Girls and is what Moore describes as "pornography". Basically, he's taken three characters familiar to all of us-Alice (in Wonderland), Wendy (Peter Pan), and Dorothy (Wizard of Oz), and written a long, erotic tome about their sexual adventures, which apparently includes their sexual awakenings. There's an interview with him about the book here (make sure you go back to Newsarama home to read Part 2 when you're done).

Now, while there's a whole other issue with this book (child pornography. For more explanation on that go here, although it is discussed as well in the Newsarama interview) the part of the interview I take strong issue with is right near the beginning, where Moore discusses his reasons for writing Lost Girls:

"The only way that we can talk about or refer to sex - we have two choices: we can either do it in grubby works of pornography that will be read by people who are desperately ashamed of what they are reading, or we can discuss sex in the clinical manner of sex manuals or The Joy of Sex."

Now, perhaps I'm looking at this in the wrong way. Perhaps I'm reading something into it that shouldn't be there, and I must remember that Alan Moore, while being an incredibly intelligent man, is still a man. He probably doesn't read romance, and so would not have read any erotic romance.

I believe that erotic romance transcends the very idea of "grubby porn". I think when you're reading an erotic romance you're reading something that not only describes the sex act as a beautiful thing and an important part of life, but that does that in such a way that the reader is--let's be honest here--turned on. Isn't that the point of any erotic work?

You're supposed to be turned on by this stuff. You're supposed to have your mind, heart, and body engaged in what you're reading. A good sex scene will involve all three of those aspects of your reader, no matter how kinky the scene is. And good ones abound. Check out anything written by any of the authors I've linked to on the right. Hell, go to either of the publisher's sites I've linked to. Go to Ellora's Cave. Go to Amber Quill. Buy a damned Harlequin Blaze, for that matter.

All of these works-an entire genre of books that are as sexy and beautifully written as anyone can hope for-are being discounted because someone claiming to write a book because of a lack of beautiful erotica, or beautiful porn, hasn't actually researched what's out there.

I really admire Alan Moore. I love his work, and I'm not disinterested in Lost Girls, although £50 or whatever it's going to cost is a little steep for me. But I'm disappointed to see that erotic romance doesn't even come up once in Newsarama's lengthy forum discussions on this topic. If comic books are a "male" genre, and romance/erotic romance are "female" genres, isn't it about time they met?


(In other, very sad news,Paul Gleason has died. There is an absolutely awesome eulogy/restrospective on him here at Ain't It Cool News. Read it. Laugh. Paul Gleason rocked.)

Technorati Tags:
alan moore
lost girls

Shut UP!

(or, why I hate writing dialogue in sex scenes.)


Yeah, it sounds like the title for a nice long post, doesn't it? It's not. It's the title for a short whiny post, namely this post, in which I confess that as much as I think my dialogue is generally pretty good, my dialogue in sex scenes is usually...well...let's just say I prefer to have less talky sex scenes. (As Miranda Hobbes said, "Sex is the one place where it's okay not to talk.")

The problem is, almost anything anybody says in the middle of a hot sex scene has probably already been said in a porno film. This holds especially true if you are a certain very well-known writer whose once exciting books have lately gone down the really bad erotica tubes, with sex scene dialogue so bad it actually made me laugh. At least my characters don't form entire, page-long conversations using only the words "You", "I", "am", "Are, "So", "hot", "tight", "and", and "wet". Seriously. Picture a conversation like this, but substitute the adjectives above for the ones below:

Hero: I love how sweet and pretty you are.

heroine: I love it when I'm sweet and pretty.

H: I notice when I touch you get get very sweet and pretty.

h: When you touch me it does make me sweet and pretty.

H: I can feel how sweet and pretty you are. Do you like being sweet and pretty?

h: God, yes. I am sweet and pretty. I love when you tell me how sweet and pretty I am. It makes me even more sweet and pretty.

H: You are so sweet and pretty.

h: Feel how sweet and pretty you make me.

Scintillating, isn't it? Makes "Showgirls" look like Oscar material.

It's just so hard! (No pun intended.) It's so hard to have your hero say sexy things that aren't offputting but also aren't overly romantic. Very romantic sex dialogue is fine later, when they're really in love. In the earlier scenes, though, it's got to be more complimentary, and it's hard to write that stuff without the Hero sounding like some kind of perverted Eddie Haskell.

So that's where I am now. I'm in the middle of a scene, and somebody needs to say something, but they both feel a little stupid saying the standard stuff.

What kinds of things sound sexy to you?

Okay...lemme have it

Here's my Johari window:

Say Nice Things about Me

And here's my Nohari window!

Say Bad Things about Me

My New Hair

So I dyed my hair red. I took a picture. It's not a great photo, because I photgraph badly. But there it is. I made it a little icon so take a look.

Up to 10k on my new WIP! Yay me! And once I've fiddled and futzed with it it will probably be closer to 11. Some people write too much and take away. I write way too little and have to go add stuff, like description. I don't describe anything in much detail, and my first drafts are always pretty sparse. Lots of action, lots of dialogue, not much else--at least, the first few chapters. It takes me a while to get into the swing of things, you know? To get a real feel for the characters and how they think and feel and react. I always start out plot-based, and somewhere around chapter 3 or 4--so getting close to that now--the characters take over.

Then I go back and basically redo the whole beginning, taking stuff out to keep it as a surprise, putting stuff in that it turns ot we needed to know right away.

I also have some thoughts on something I read yesterday, and interview with Alan Moore on his new graphic novel, Lost Girls. I know you guys are probably wondering why the hell you'd want to read about a comic book. Trust me, you'll be interested.

More more more!

NOTE: The SFWA's 20 Worst Agents List is now ~2 on a Google srarch for Barbara Bauer! YES!!


So in addition to following the Barbara Bauer scandal with a fascination almost scary, I've been working pretty hard.
Really, though, it's the Barbara Bauer thing that's held most of my attention. I'm so proud of the writing community for standing up. I'm so pleased to be a part of it.

As I put in my last post, the plot has indeed thickened. The woman who ran AW's web hosting, Stephanie Cordray created a post about her decision to reopen her own message board for writers. Apparently because the boards that were out there lacked information. (insert eye roll here.)

Check out the comment threads on that post. They're pretty vicious.

It's not a good idea to make writers mad. We spend so much time in our own heads anyway, that when something like this happens all we do is sit and stew. And oh yeah, write.

I've got another thought going through my head, too. With apologies to the person who started it, it's been implied elsewhere that it is A)Somehow unethical to start a website to help people and at the same time ecourage them to buy your book on how to be helped; B) Somehow unethical to buy the books of your friends and/or fellow writers just to support them.

That's the first time I've ever heard of buying a friend's work to help them described as "unethical". Frankly, I didn't know there was a more ethical and kind thing to do. Don't you want to do everything you can to help your friends succeed? Since when is doing something completely legal to acheive that a bad or wrong thing to do?

I just find it frustrating. I buy my friends' books. Even if I wouldn;t ordinarily have bought them, I buy them. Because it's a nice thing to do, a good thing to do. Most of my writing buddies are just starting out, like me. We buy each other's books. We help promote each others books. If someone who read my book sees my plug for one of the other Indulge Authors' books, and decides to buy it, have I done something unethical in recommending it?

We're all in this together, folks. I'm a writer, you're a writer (wouldn't you like to be a writer too?). We don't generally work with each other, we work alone. We don't generally have marketing blitzes at our disposal. What sells us is word of mouth, through both the readers and our fellow writers. How this is any more or less ethical than, say, going to A Sporting Goods rather and B Sporting Goods because you know the guy who owns A Sporting Goods is beyond me. How it's unethical to buy a book you might not read is unethical totally confuses me, as I have several books upstairs written by complete strangers that I haven't gotten around to reading. It's bad enough they're up there unread without me now feeling I have somehow committed a disgraceful act by not reading them.

In happier news:
2 projects going. One that I'm doing with a buddy is at like 15k already and we've been working for a week. The other is at 8 and I've been doing it for 2 days. I'm on fire, baby!
Getting mad must be good for me. :-)


absolute write

barbarabauer

More on the Barbara Bauer Scandal

So this is interesting. Apparently, the woman Barbara Bauer called up and threatened, the woman who ran the company that gave Absolute Write its web hosting and shut it down because if the empty threats of Barbara Bauer, is setting up her very own writer's forum. Funny, isn;t it, how she decided to start her own forum just before shutting down Absolute Write?

this post explains it further.


BarbaraBauer

So Nice I'll Do It Thrice

Barbara Bauer has been added to the list on links on my website, of course, and I'll just add a little post here about how I'm adding Barbara Bauer over there. I'm also encouraging anyone who reads this to click on the link and check out Barbara Bauer. In a second I'll add Barbara Bauer to my list of links on the right, and then I'll head over to the dj and add Barbara Bauer there.

And if by some insane chance you're someone who reads this blog and doesn't know why I keep mentioning Barbara Bauer, go read Miss Snark this morning.

I'll do a content post later. For now, just click the links.

Screw You, Remasterer-Man

So in an effort to finally somewhat complete my music collection (okay, here's the story. My ex boyfriend had every album I would ever want, and a whle bunch I didn't, and so I recorded everything on tapes and didn't need to buy the albums. So after we split and he moved out and I got married I just never got around to buying the stuff. So slowly over the years I've been picking stuff up. And a lot of it is totally basic stuff but that's why I don't have it anymore) I've been rebuying the first few Ramones albums.

WHAT is up with this?

They aren't available anymore. At least, not the Ramones albums I know and love. They're all "digitally remastered". And there's extra stuff added to them.

I don't WANT digitally remastered. I don't want live versions. I don't want songs I have on other albums. I certainly don't need more than one version of songs like "I Wanna be Sedated", which IMO is one of the weakest Ramones songs, in spite of its popularity (or maybe it's popular because of it. I've always had my suspicions about people whose favorite Ramones songs are "I Wanna be Sedated", "Gimme Shock Treatment" or, especially, "Sheena is a Punk Rocker". I mistrust them instinctively. I see people in Ramones shirts--people who don't look like real fans--and have to suppress the rabid urge to make them recite the Rules to me, and if they can't, I want to rip the shirt off their bodies.) (Who can tell me the Third Rule, btw? Any Ramones fans out there?) (And for the record, mine are "53rd and 3rd", "Rockaway Beach", and the third one varies. Right now it's "Glad to See You Go". Anyway.)

Point is, stop screwing with what was perfect! Who are you, Remasterer Man? You're as bad as George Lucas!

Digitally remastered, my ass. Sometimes that's okay. "The Lost '77 Mixes" of Johnny Thunders's "LAMF" is much better than the other versions. It's not technically a remaster, I guess, but it's a different mix. And I know remasters generally sound cleaner and stuff, because it isn't actually music you're hearing, it's digital coding that sounds just like music. But why change things around? Clean up? If you must. But quit adding shit and taking stuff away and messing about, or at least follow George Lucas's example (took him LONG enough, but bless him he's come around) and let us choose between the REAL ones and the new.

How about you? What do you think about remasters, new versions, etc.?

Kid's party craziness

So we've just come home from our first birthday party of the day. (The Princess, social butterfly that she is, has another to attend today in about an hour and a half.)

I don't know if this is a UK thing or what, but when did we stop just letting kids run around and scream at parties, and start hiring magicians and entertainers to make balloon animals (I HATE balloon animals) and play music? It's like instead of a party, they're going to a little show with scotch eggs at intermission. In the past two weeks, I've sat through two of these little plate-spinning performances, and I anticipate sitting through a third a little later.

Unless I get to leave, which is doubtful. Princess has apparently reached the age where the parents drop the kids off and go, but since somebody needs to give her her enzymes before she eats, I'll probably need to stay, because I hate to ask someone else to do it for her.

When I was a kid, my Mom would set up a couple of boardgames and we'd be busy for an hour. Or, since my birthday is in August--the "dog days" of summer, you can imagine what that did for my self-esteem as a child--she'd shove us all into the backyard and make us attempt to play in the sweltering Missouri heat. Then we'd have pitchers of Kool-Aid and hot dogs for everyone. Cake, present opening, and we were done. Everyone would go home and change clothes, then we'd play some more later. (BTW, I don't miss the present-opening ceremony...but I cannot figure out why dessert has to be provided and cake is sent home in gift bags. I'm going to bake a cake for Princess's birthday, because birthday cakes here are horrible. I digress.)

Anyway. I just really don't like these new, soulless parties. I guess it's good to have someone to entertain the little monsters, but it just seems so bland. If I'd had to sit and watch that stuff as a kid, I would have been pissed. I remember once a clown came to my brother's boy scout meeting, or banquet, or something, and we had to watch him do his clown makeup forever, then at the end we got a "prize" which was a picture of him. I felt royally screwed. I'd been promised entertainment and a gift!

What do you guys think? Entertainers or no? Is this a good trend, or does it turn kids into bland little automatons?

Apple Custard Meringue Pie

(Note: We interrupt our regularly scheduled blogging to bring you the following recipe, that I promised to Sam some time ago. Thank you.)

OK, the ingredients are kind of mixed in because you do the recipe in steps. It's very important, with this one, you read it all first, because it lays everything out carefully. SO:

For Pie Crust (I did use this crust, but you can always buy one if you're not a pastry maker):
1 1/4 cups sifted AP flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking powder
6 tbsp shortening
add about 3 tbsp milk or water to bind ingredients. Knead gently a few seconds. Shape into a patty, and roll a 13-inch circle. Line an 8 or 9 inch pie plate with the dough. Sprinkle bottom of dough with 2 tbsp dry bread crumbs.

The Apple Filling
1 lb apples (Jonathan or winesap preferred, but I'm pretty sure I just used Macintosh or something, peeled and sliced thin
1/4 to 1/3 cup packed brown sugar (it doesn't specify, I used light)
a little cinnamon and nutmeg
1 tbp butter in pieces

Arrange apples in unbaked pie shell. Sprinkle sugar, nutmeg, and cinnamon over apples. Add butter. Bake at 450 for 15 minutes; then reduce heat to 350 and cover pie with double thickness of aluminum foil to prevent drying out. Bake about 30 minutes at 350.
Meanwhile, prepare custard filling.

Custard

1/4 cup granulated sugar
1/8 tsp salt
1/4 cup AP flour
3 egg yolks combined with 1/2 cup cool milk (keep whites for meringue)
1 cup warm milk
1 tbsp butter
1 tsp vanilla

Combine sugar, yolks, flour, salt, and 1/2 cup cool milk. Stir until smooth. Add warm milk. Cook over medium heat, then reduce heat and cook very slowly about 5 minutes. When done, add butter. (If you start this as soon as you reduce the heat on the pie, they're done at about the same time, if memory serves. This was the first custard I ever made from scratch and I was ludicrously proud.)

Remove pie from oven. Pour hot custard over top. Set aside. Raise oven temp to 400 while preparing meringue.

Meringue

3 egg whites
1/8 tsp salt
1/4 tsp cream of tartar
6 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp vanilla

Add salt, cream of tartar, and vanilla to egg whites in mixing bowl, and beat until they form a very soft meringue that still slides out of the bowl. Add sugar a little at a time, and keep beating at high speed a minute or so after all the sugar has been added. (I'd go a little longer, as my meringue was still a little soft.)

Immediately spread meringue over pie, being sure to cover rim of crust with meringue. Sprinkle 1 tsp sugar over top. Place back in oven at 400 and bake 15 to 18 minutes or until golden. Remove, cool, and refrigerate several hours before cutting.

It's labor intensive, but fun, and I felt like I'd really done something special when it was done. My hubby's co-workers ate this thing in record time.

Avoid Writing in 26 Easy Steps*

1. Have lots of houseguests.

2. When houseguests leave, decide you deserve a day or two spent just sitting around doing nothing.

3. Decide to cook an elaborate meal.

4. Decide you're going to have this one totally mapped out before you start, so you can write it quickly.

5. Decide just writing it all out in your notebook isn't good enough.

6. Decide you need notecards to write each scene on, and you can then rearrange them as needed.

7. Go to three different stores looking for notecards.

8. Decide you need colored notecards, not plain white.

9. Spend half an hour deciding what color-coding you're going to use.

10. Start writing scenes on the cards.

11. Get distracted by TV.

12. Put the cards up, because the baby wants your pen.

13. Get great new idea for hero's motivation. Scrap all notes and start again.

14. Decide you deserve break. Shop on internet for things you won't buy.

15. Get cards back out. Wonder if this card thing is actually such a good idea. What if one gets lost?

16. You really need to rewrite synopsis in notebook to match notecards. Two copies is extra security.

17. Some scenes include both blue for emotional development, and green for straight action like conversations. Which color do you use? Ponder that for a few hours.

18. Decide to put a note on blue card to go with the green card.

19. Check to see when the yellow cards for big action fall in the book.

20. Check to make sure there's enough pink cards for sexy moments.

21. Reread notebook to make sure story makes sense, because it looks weird written out on cards.

22. Catch up on emails.

23. Remember it's been a while since you've updated your blog. You used to do it every day. Better get cracking.

24. Realize you've forgotten three or four great blog ideas you had.

25. Get out notecards. Decide to write blog ideas on them from now on.

26. Blog.

27. Get the notecards back out.

28. Put them away. You need to update the music on your iPod.

29. You also need to download some cds into the computer.

30. Oh! Time for another little break.



*Actual steps may vary. I haven't quite finished avoiding the new work yet.


How do you avoid getting started? I love writing. I just hate writing first chapters.