Friday, July 07, 2006

Being Bert

Note: So I Googled pigeon mating habits. I found a site called Pigeons! They're pretty obsessive over at Pigeons!. It's like Bert created the site. I kept expecting to see a little cartoon of him doing the pigeon across the bottom.

Anyway. Pigeons seem to have sex just like most other birds. They're not interesting like bald eagles tumbling through the sky trying frantically to finish before they hit the ground and die. Afterward, though, the male claps his wings.

So, in an attempt to make this more interesting, I've written a little story. What would happen if people mated like pigeons?

Lynn (ha ha) wiped sweat from her brow, deciding that after this song ended she would take a break. Her throat was dry from the smoke machines. A nice cool drink was what she needed, maybe a cocktail, something to finally and completely wipe away the last vestiges of her crappy day.

It had been a bust, from the lousy breakfast-on-the-fly, to the meeting at work where the promotion of that miserable bitch Jane was announced, to the stop-and-start traffic on the way home. All she wanted to do was dance, work off some steam.

Out the corner of her eye she spotted a man, working his slow, sinuous way towards her through the crowd, his head bobbing up and down, alternately exposing and hiding his strong neck. His tawny skin gleamed in the flashing colored lights of the club. He looked like a man who spent a lot of time outside, maybe worked with his hands. Whatever he did, he was fit and strong. Her dry mouth dampened as he approached, his knowing smile as his dark eyes looked her up and down incredibly sexy.

Just watching his head move excited her. She knew what was coming.

He leaned back, showing her the muscled column of his throat, and dropped down, letting the ass she was certain was firmly muscled hit the floor, before raising it again. This was too much. His intentions were so clear, so frankly unembarrassed. Lynn felt like prey, like he would not rest until he had her, and the feeling made her hot.

He started circling her, sliding her smoothly away from the crowd, pausing as they moved to slide his bottom along the floor. She managed to sneak a peek at it while he moved. It was everything she'd hoped for, and the bulge in the front of his gray trousers told her that her instinct was right. This man meant to have her, and she was just about ready to give in.

When he'd separated her from the rest of the crowd, he smiled, moving in closer to her, inviting her to place her lips between his so he could nibble them. This she did, throwing caution to the wind. She hadn't expected this, hadn't planned on it, but deep down she had to admit she was always ready. There was no particular season or time of the month that was best for her. She could do it anytime.

His lips tasted tantalizingly of bread and lettuce as they started bobbing their heads up and down, holding each others lips with their own. They quickly found a rythm, moving their heads as if they'd done this together before, had been doing it for years.

Lynn was ready. She broke the liplock and turned around, leaning her hands against the wall. Her mystery man lifted her skirt and slid his erect manhood into her, so hard and fast she thought she might die from the pleasure. He started moving, quickly, the incredible friction building inside her. She felt him swelling, heard him gasping in her ear, as they both quickly found their release in the dark corner of the club.

It was over. Lynn turned around in time to watch her mystery man run away, clapping his arms together loudly in the age-old celebration of pleasure that always made her smile.

She guessed it hadn't been such a bad day after all, she thought, and she smiled as she went to the bar to order that drink.


Elle said...

You are so fucking funny! I say that with sincerity and sarcasm at the same time. :P Great post!

Bernita said...

Pure genius.
And you didn't once give in to the temptation to have her coo.

A. M. said...

Sky-dyving-sex sounds like fun (in theory at least. Ahem.). Let's do it eagle-style - think he'll know what I'm talking about?

Dunno how I'd feel about .... clapping... and walking away. No seconds from Mr. Pigeon? Huh.

OTOH - they're keepers. I had a pigeon family breed on my deck. Very much into the whole sharing-of-duties thing. Too cool.

How'd we get from sex to breeding? Wait, painkillers must be wearing off...

Anonymous said...

Hot, funny, silly -all at the same time. Not easy, december. Bravo, bravo. -JTC

December Quinn said...

Thanks guys! I canst but try.

Thought you'd get a kick out of it, elle. Tee-hee.

Do you know, Bernita, you're giving me way too much credit. I didn't even think of having her coo. Now I'm glad I didn't if it makes me look more original and inventive and stuff. :-)

"Let's do it eagle-style"-lol! Makes me think of dialogue from an '80s romance novel. Perhaps unfairly, but it does. I'm tempted to google the phrase and see what comes up. Nice to know pigeons are faithful and family-roiented, though, unlike those sneaky swans.

Thank you, JTC. *bows*.