Friday, September 19, 2008

Exclamation Point--a revised scene

Note: This is the revised version of Scene Crit 3; the original crit is here

Joe’s eyes never left hers while she spoke. The room grew dark, until everything dimmed and blurred around them and she could see only him, until she fell silent and stared into his drowny deep eyes. Her own eyes filled. She dropped her gaze, not wanting him to see, but she couldn’t stop the tear that rolled down her face.
Joe placed a tender finger on her cheek to block the tear’s path, and their eyes met again.

For a moment – or was it an eternity? It felt like an eternity – they stared at each other. Into each other. Kate’s heart pounded in her throat, her whole body thrilling at his touch. She couldn’t speak. She didn’t think she could even breathe.

He removed his finger and waited, searching for a sign of… what? Resistance? Was he mad? No, she knew he wasn’t mad. He was just allowing her space and time to make her decision.

Without thinking she leaned into him, a slow movement like falling through a dream, and their lips met. Soft at first, tentative and questioning. Exploring. Then harder, with growing urgency. He smelled of sunny skin and wood smoke, tasted of sweetness and warmth. She loved him.

With a rush of truth she realised she really did love this man. She wanted this man. She wanted nothing on earth right now except to have this wonderful man inside her.

They stared into each other’s souls.

“I love you.”

They said it at the same time; felt the laughter ripple inside at the same time; felt the delight and the truth; felt each other’s feelings as the love intensified and became a solid thing. The last of their barriers dissolved and they fell into a hungry embrace and a long, bruising, breathless kiss.

Kate wanted him, needed him, all of him, forever, starting right now, and she felt him mirroring her urgent passion. She wanted to eat him alive. She ran her greedy hands across his strong back and shoulders, pulling his hair free and tangling her fingers at the soft nape of his neck. Tiny groans of delight vibrated her throat as she gloried in his muscular beauty.

His hands were all over her, communicating his powerful need louder than any words could. Kate was unsure where she stopped and he started. All she knew was that she couldn’t bear for them to stay clothed another minute. She grabbed his wrists and managed to find a husky version of her voice from somewhere.

“Let’s go upstairs.”

They shared a smile and stood unsteadily, clinging to one another. Joe stroked her cheek tenderly and bent his head for another kiss before they walked upstairs, fingers entwined, to stand bathed in moonlight in Kate’s bedroom.

The net hummed and glowed in harmony.

Kate unbuttoned his denim shirt slowly, loving the way he shivered when she pushed the soft cloth aside and scratched his firm skin lightly with her fingernails. She kissed each newly exposed inch of smoothness, inhaled his warm musky scent, and ran the tip of her tongue towards one of his nipples. He tasted slightly salty. She nibbled it, and teased the other nipple with her fingertip.

He shuddered and ran his fingers through her hair, held her to his chest and kissed the top of her head.

His hardness pressed against her. She flipped open his waistband button easily with her thumb and finger, and slid her hand inside his jeans. No underwear. His zip prised wide open as she reached down and held him for the first time. His cock pulsed big and hard against her palm. Her hand felt small around it, and suddenly her mouth went dry. She cupped his heavy balls and stroked her middle fingertip underneath to make him do another one of those lovely little shivers.

His cock rested on her forearm, its tip pressing into the soft spot in the crook of her elbow. She gripped his shaft again. She wanted to see it, to kiss it and suck it. She ached to feel it inside her.

She wondered why he wasn’t ripping her clothes off, the way she wanted to rip his off. She could feel his yearning, knew he wanted her as desperately as she wanted him, but she couldn’t hear his thoughts clearly. Something was clouding them.

Something was holding him back. She looked a question up at him.

He stood motionless, beautiful in the blue light, watching her carefully. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve never felt surer about anything in my life. Are you okay with this?”

“Are you kidding? I want you so much I’m going to explode!”

She grinned in delight. “Then what are we waiting for?”

He grinned back and she felt the cloud lift to reveal his joy. She closed her eyes as he slid his hands up inside her t-shirt to her breasts. He pushed her bra up and over them gently, taking their weight in the palms of his hands while stroking her hard nipples with his thumbs.

Kate nearly swooned as a rush of intense pleasure radiated from his touch and flooded her. Her legs felt like they belonged to someone else. Joe guided her unsteady steps backwards to the bed and undressed her skilfully, kicking off his jeans and dropping her t-shirt and bra on the floor as they went. When the back of her legs came up against the bed he kneeled before her, eased her skirt and pants down in a single smooth movement, leaned forward, and nuzzled gently through her light patch of soft hair to kiss her, almost reverently, just there.

She clutched his head with both hands and pressed his face into her, moved her feet apart to let him in and moaned when his tongue pushed inside her. She was so wet! He held her bottom with both hands and pulled her to him. They clung together for delicious moments, until Kate’s legs failed completely and she fell back onto the bed.

Joe moved with her, somehow managing to keep his tongue inside her folds. His shallow rhythm was delicious, but she wanted more of him, and quickly. She took two handfuls of his long hair and pulled gently, and he rose to her, his beautiful smile lighting up her heart.

She slid her hands over his back and his bottom. He felt so different, so manly, like velvety marble in her arms. His hard chest pressed against hers, crushing her breasts against him, and they kissed deeply.

Kate was starting to pant a little when they came up for air. She wanted him inside her so badly. “Please…” she moaned between kisses.

They lay on the bed, their tongues tangling, and the kiss grew into touching, exploring. Her entire life was captured in this moment, while his mouth whispered sweet words against her fevered skin and his tongue tasted her gentle sweat. His adoration of her seemed to bathe them in a warm golden glow. She was dizzy. She no longer existed as herself but was something else, someone else, a new person who belonged to Joe and to whom he belonged in turn.

He took her nipple in his mouth and sucked strongly, pulling waves of fresh love through her. She wrapped her fingers in his hair again and pulled.


She reached down and gripped his cock. He was so big, and she knew he wanted her right now. She squeezed him firmly and gazed at it. It was beautiful, dark and hard and smooth and straining towards her, a tiny drop of liquid glistening at the tip of its moist head. She squeezed again and pulled him towards her, stretching her legs wide apart, trembling with desire. “Now, Joe!”

“Now,” he growled, low in his throat. His long fingers slipped inside her, exploring deep into her exquisite wetness, while his other hand glided everywhere over her incredibly sensitive skin, driving up her fever of anticipation. And then he covered her with his body, held his weight on his elbows for a few seconds, and slid all the way inside her in a single breathtaking movement.

She wrapped her legs around his thighs and felt his velvet hardness stretching and filling her completely. She felt what he felt, too. She felt her soft, firm flesh moulding to him, holding him, clenching him tightly for long moments, felt his shiver from both inside him and inside her, and the blending of sensations was intense.

They moved together, finding their natural rhythm easily. Kate felt him feeling her sensations, as she felt his. He noticed all the little fissures and folds inside her, massaging him with every stroke, and he experienced her pleasure as they flew along an endless pleasure loop that just kept building and building and building.

It was nearly over quickly, and that was no surprise. They stared deep into each other’s eyes throughout, blinking slowly, sharing breath, sharing every sensation, sharing a pulse, and they both felt Joe building towards a climax after only a few minutes.

She wiped sweat from his brow lovingly with her fingers while he eased himself out of her, and pulled him gently down beside her.

He kissed her breasts and sucked her nipple while he stroked her belly and down into her hot wetness, slid fingers inside her again, and she was still very wet, and he spent gentle time loving her, and she gasped when he touched her most sensitive place, circled it lightly, then faster and firmer and faster and firmer and kept going and going until she came, shuddering and gasping, her eyes shut tightly and tears of joy squeezing from their corners.

Joe clamped his strong hand gently over her mound and murmured noises of tender love while the waves rescinded slowly and her heartbeat returned to normal.

“Now it’s your turn, mister.” She climbed astride and sat down on him and, oh, he was hard and deep inside her. She leaned back and rode him, slowly at first, watching him looking down at their joining and loving the look of bliss on his face, then building faster and grinding harder, until he came, crying out when his heat exploded and flooded deep inside her, and they felt it together as worlds collided in ecstasy.

They made love all night and Kate lost count of how many times she came. Joe fell asleep as dawn washed the shadows away. She held him and watched him sleep. She felt physically exhausted but more at peace than ever before, and she knew they would be together forever.


Demon Hunter said...

Wow. What a heated scene. I'm fanning at work. Good job, December. :-)

Charles Gramlich said...

Definitely an effective scene.

BernardL said...

The eyes and tears in the first section stopped me, and not in a good way. ‘They stared into each other’s souls’ is a cliché I can get by if it pops up in the middle of a paragraph. Set up on its own, it leaps out at me, and not in a good way. ‘His hands were all over her’ – this type of telling shows up often throughout. The rewrite did increase the urgency of the scene a bit, but it seemed flat to me still.