Friday, September 12, 2008

Scene Crit 5--Critted

Overall this is a very nice scene! I think it just needs a little expansion and the ruthless elimination of dialogue tags and the phrase "and then". :-) I especially like the dialogue in this one; very smooth and sexy

I came back, closed off the door, and looked at Jackerton. “Now,” I said, “if you’re through being a macho asshole, maybe we can have a conversation.”

He grinned and stepped closer to me. “Put that down, will you?” He pointed to the gun. You can lose that tag. “It’s not a ‘conversation’ if it’s held at gunpoint.”

“I’ll put the gun down when you stop using your body against me,” I said. Lose the tag. Anger flushed my cheeks. When a man can overpower a woman like she’s a rag doll, yanking her around without even breaking a sweat, serious weaponry just equalizes the situation. Heh

He took another step closer, and reached gently out for the gun. “Slowly” might be better, or something like “His hand inched toward the gun”. I held it away from him, but kept it ready. “Using my body against you?” he asked, still smiling. You could probably lose this. It’s not awful, but it’s not strictly necessary, and if you really want it to indicate a pause you could maybe come up with something else that would foreshadow a little better. His tone makes her wary, something like that? “You mean, like this?”

In a half of take out “of” a heartbeat, he had lose “had” knocked the gun out of my hand and lifted me against the wall. The gun skittered away across the floor as his weight pressed into me. His powerful hands were at my waist, and my feet dangled at least a quarter meter off the floor. A quarter meter? Isn’t the character American (I know you mentioned Jack as having a specific tie to a specific US city, so I assumed)? We don’t use meters, we use feet and inches. An American wouldn’t think in metrics. “Bastard!” I yelled, twisting in his grip, kicking at him, but he held me firmly. I’d put “Bastard!” I twisted in his grip, etc. Because “yelled” sounds a little overdramatic to me, especially in first POV. Would I never learn? How had I let him do this to me again?

He let go of my waist with one hand, bringing the hand up to my chin. “He let go of my waist with one hand and gripped/cupped my chin”/“he let go of my waist with one hand, bringing it up to my chin”/“He took one hand off my waist and held my chin instead”/”One hand left my waist and moved to my chin” etc. He held my head steady as he leaned in for another terrible hot kiss. He held my head steady/in place and leaned in… "terrible hot kiss" is great

I resisted, but his tongue was in my mouth before I could stop him. And my body was responding, just as it had last night. And my body responded, just as it had the night before The scent I caught of him was pure sex, and I answered with pure desire. He smelled like pure sex, and… Stop it! Symbiant screamed in my head. Bite his tongue! Knee him in the balls! But there was nothing Symbiant could do against this onrush of lust, of need, of passion that surged through me. I’d wanted Jack Jackerton from the moment I laid eyes on him. In that moment, moment 2x I didn’t care if he was screwing my sister or killing my mother. I had to have him. Nice

I writhed against him, kissing him back with fervor, tasting his heat, savoring his incredible strength. I moved my hands down his huge, broad back. It was hard as carved marble, and a whole lot warmer. Very nice

His hands moved down, cupping my butt in the tight jeans. This allowed him to support my weight and lean away from me. How about “…jeans, so he could lean away from me while still supporting my weight” or “…jeans, supporting my weight so he could lean away from me”? Something like that. “This allowed him to” feels a little clinical He came up for air, and I gazed up at him, eager for more.

He laughed. “Say it, Jill. You want me to use my body against you, don’t you?” Hmm, this is a really sexy line. It might be better if instead of laughing he says it in a really low, husky voice, so we can not only see how sexy it is but how the kiss has affected him as well. Just a thought.

“Fuck you. You know I do.”

“‘Fuck you.’ That sounds like an awfully good idea, don’t you think?”

Stupid with desire, I opened my mouth for another kiss. And he granted it. Not sure “granted it” is such a good verb here; maybe “satisfied it” or “took it” or something? His hands were still on my ass. I could feel every finger through the fabric, exploring, caressing. Are his fingers supporting her weight and exploring and caressing, all at once? I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his shoulders.

He kissed me for another eternity, and take out “and” then took a step away from the wall, taking me with him. Took/taking; you might want to consider rephrasing It was as if I weighed nothing. He moved as though I weighed nothing? “Let’s see here,” he said, and then started to put me down. “Let’s see here.” He started to put me down.

“No!” I protested. I did not want to lose contact with him, not for an instant. “No!” I did not want to lose…

He grinned. “Just readjusting, little one. Here you go.” He set me down on something soft—whatever the squatters here were using for a bed, or couch, or whatever, I didn’t care. All I wanted was Jackerton again, touching me. And I got my wish. He leaned over, covering my body with his. And now I did not fight back.

I started undoing his shirt, the many buttons and fasteners and other complications. He shrugged out of it at long last, and his massive chest loomed over me. I reached up and buried my face in it, drinking in the scent of him, the deliciousness of it. He chuckled low and hungry, and ran his hands through my short hair, then down the side of my face, then to my own shirt. He pulled my sweater over my head and tossed it aside. The he reached for the waistband of my jeans, but only to untuck the t-shirt. He pulled that up pulled 2x, stopping to put a warm hand on the top of my breast, above the bra cup. Then he slipped a finger inside the cup, where my swollen nipple awaited his touch. This is a nice paragraph—the swollen nipple awaiting his touch is especially good—but I’d like to see more physical sensation here. He’s touching her, how does that feel? How is she reacting? His hand is warm, does it give her goosebumps? His chest is massive and smells good, but how does it feel, and how does he react when she presses her face to it? How she experiences his physical reactions is important, it can be extremely sexy

“Ohhhh,” I sighed, arching my back, rocking against his touch. Not crazy about “Ohhh,” I sighed”; I’d rather have “’”Ohhh.’ I arched… or ”I sighed and arched my back” or something along those lines. I’m not crazy about sound effects, and obviously I’m rather manic about dialogue tags He pulled the finger away and lifted the t-shirt over my head. It followed the sweater. His hands now take out “now” snaked behind my back, unhooking the bra. In a moment, my breasts were free. How about “snaked behind my back to the hooks of my bra. In a moment my breasts were free” or “snaked behind my back, found the hooks of my bra, and freed my breasts”? We want the most active and immediate verbs we can get

He lowered his hot mouth to my breasts—first the right nipple, then the left, his tongue rolling around them. I sighed again as he cupped both breasts, burying his face between them. His hot mouth descended on them—you’ve just mentioned her breasts so we know where he is and what she’s talking about. Also instead of his tongue rolling around them how about he rolls them with his tongue? And how does this feel? It’s good action, but we still don’t really have any show of her physical response except a couple of sighs and some wriggling

Somewhere in here, I noticed that Symbiant was still protesting. Give it a rest, dude, I thought to him. You know as well as I do how long it’s been. I think he was quiet after that. Or else I was distracted.

I began trying to undo Jackerton’s pants. They were green army issue, but they didn’t work like any army pants I’d ever seen. The belt was the first problem. It was part of the pants, but I couldn’t figure out how to unfasten it for the life of me. And it didn’t help that Jackerton was sucking on my nipples and unbuttoning my own jeans at the same time. How about, instead of starting with “I began trying to undo his pants”, which is a little telly, you start with “Jackerton’s pants were green army issue, but the fastenings refused to behave normally, and with his mouth moving slow and soft on my nipples like that I doubt I could have opened a Zip-Loc bag. Was the belt attached?” You know, something along those lines. Vary the sequence a little.

“Oh!” I cried, as a thick finger found its way inside me. I was soaking wet and slippery, and squirmed at his touch. Aside from the tag, this is maybe a little telly but is fine as is. Slippery is a good word. I think you can expand it a little again, though. He’s doing delightful things to her, how do they feel?
“Oh yes,” he said. Nice. He’s very clever, I dig that Then Don’t need “then” he reached down with one hand and undid his pants without even looking at them. Some sort of chagrin on her behalf here? I pushed them down his hips, and he kicked them away.

He was naked underneath the pants. His cock was huge, and already glistening at the tip. It pulsed eagerly, ready.

“Oh my god,” I said, reaching down and taking it into both hands. It jumped at my touch. Tag, tag, tag. :-)

“I want you so bad,” Jackerton murmured, I always love this line, but I’m not cray about him murmuring it; murmur always feels sort of calm and quiet, and we want him desperate and gasping as he worked my jeans and underpants down at the same time. I tried to help, but I was pinned down by his weight, his size. I tried to help, but his hot, solid weight, the sheer size of him, kept me pinned in place. Finally he flung the jeans away and put both hands on my thighs, spreading them. How did that feel?

I looked up at him, mouth open, wanting another kiss. He leaned down and kissed me deeply as he entered me, filling me up everywhere at once. This is okay, but it would be nice to get some description of his thrust, of his eyes, of the way she throbs and screams for him, that sort of thing.

I breathed deep as I stretched—he was huge, and it had been a long time. Too long. I winced a little as he thrust into me. He pulled back and thrust again, and lose “and” deeper. I groaned, already half from pleasure now. By his third thrust, it was all ecstasy. I’d combine these sentences, expand them, so we get more of a sense of pleasure replacing pain. And I’m not crazy about ecstasy here I ran my short fingernails down his back and cupped his firm ass, urging him deeper, deeper. He obliged. Nice. But again, how does all this feel? She’s wanted him for so long, and he’s finally there, filling her, every inch of him hot and hard against every inch of her; can we get some sense of triumph and joy, of completion and excitement?

He drove into me, again and again, pushing me hard into the soft mattress. Hard/soft juxtaposition nice! The scent of incense lingered around us, mingling with the smell of our bodies, our sweat, our sex. He kept his mouth on mine as he thrust, his tongue deep into my mouth. mouth 2x I felt completely consumed by him, by our lovemaking, by the totality that was him. See, this is all very nice. I would prefer if instead of “I felt consumed by him” we got something like “He consumed me, our lovemaking consumed me, the totality of him driving me further and further away from the real world” or something

Then Lose “Then” he groaned and pulled his mouth away, panting. His rich dark eyes were shining, and he looked down at me. His rich dark eyes shone as he looked down at me “Oh god you’re so beautiful,” he said. Lose tag He thrust deeper, his hips moving at an impossible pace. I matched it, holding him tight. Is he sweaty under her palms? Can she feel his muscles moving? How is her breathing, is she shaking or panting or is her head spinning or whatever? His hands roamed behind us, underneath us, grabbing my ass again, naked this time, holding me closer, ever closer. Nice rhythm

I felt myself begin to build, to rise, to fall into his rhythm. I began to build, to rise… I closed my eyes to feel the intense pleasure of it, but suddenly he stopped. My eyes shot open, confused, but he was grinning. But 2x; also he grins a lot, it's a little creepy “Hang on,” he said, and spun us over, so that I was astride him. “Sit up,” he said. Lose tag

I rocked back as his hands gripped my butt, holding me close, pressing into me. Then he worked my body on his as he thrust his hips up, and we found a new rhythm. This angle was deeper than ever, and I gasped as I adjusted. He might have split me in two…but I couldn’t stop. Very nice “Oh god, oh yeah,” I panted, as I again rolled my eyes back in my head and prepared to lose myself on the wave. Not crazy about the tag but it’s not terrible

This time, he let me. He held me to him and I leaned back into his strength, rocking, rolling on the flood of ecstasy. Nice Then the orgasm built—and then it exploded, all at once. If the two “then”s is a wordplay it’s okay but lose “and”. If not, lose the first “then” I screamed out as the tide obliterated me, as the passion that had been building in me poured over me, through me, out every pore in my body. Very nice A long moment later, he gave an answering cry, and I felt the telltale release inside me. He still held me, shuddering, emptying himself into me.

Finally, panting, I collapsed down lose “down” onto his chest. We were still interlocked, but he let go of his iron grip on my ass and started stroking my back gently. Stroked my back gently I listened to his heart pounding, matching mine.

Slowly, slowly, he receded inside me, as my aftershocks continued to caress him. After a long time, he put his hands on my hips, easing me off and over to the side of him. How about “A long time passed before he shifted my hips to ease me off…”?

“Mmm,” I murmured, resting my head in the crook of his neck.

He picked up my hand and kissed it, then laid it on his chest. Nice, sweet ending

1 comment:

Seeley deBorn said...

Darn! It was a busy day at work, and I didn't get a chance to crit this...

I didn't notice the dialogue tags as much as I did the weak, passive verbs. I think it's because I'm editing them out of mine at the moment though ;)

I quite liked this, and for once found first person sex engaging. No one else has ever done that! Well done!

Some of it could be tightened as D shows, and I absolutely love the final gesture.