Unromantic, unsexy sex

So I just finished reading an erotic romance from an author I've never read before, a very popular best-selling-type writer (whose name I will not reveal.)

Eh. It was okay, I guess. I had some issues with the idea of someone who'd time-travelled from the particular time and place using modern expressions. I had issues with some of the background because it was not historically accurate (not as bad as the person who thought medieval men's hose were actual pantyhose, and so put a waistband in them, and had the man wearing them under a kilt. But whatever. The inaccuracies weren't that bad. It's just that I don't think Dark Age Druids would use "For the love of Christ" as an expleteive. I'm just saying.)

But something really, really bothered me about this book. Once I got past the initial stuff anf the story moved to modern day, it was fine. I enjoyed it. I was getting a little tired of the way the H/h kept making out all over the place and never actually even getting to third base, but whatever. Sexual tension is just dandy, and it was perking along quite nicely.

Then we got to the Big Scene. The one where I, the Reader, knew we were in for one fantastic sex scene. I was ready to read this scene. I thought the hero was pretty sexy. The heroine had, like all good little romance heroines, been "saving herself" and so was a virgin (a fact the H/h discussed several times), but that didn't bother me. I don't mind the defloration so much.

So here we go. They're making out all over the place in an empty room in a castle. They've had the romantic little talk about how she wants him to be her first. Lalala.

And then...

he bends her over a desk and takes her from behind.

Yes, you read that right. The romantic first time for the heroine is frickin' doggie-style over a desk.

Isn't that romantic?

And he made her talk dirty, too.

Now, don't get me wrong. Having characters bent over furniture is fine. Dirty talk is fine. Believe me, my characters get up to all kinds of things in all kinds of places.

But you know what? That's not romantic. It's sexy, sure. But the first sex scene after the "I love you"s should not be from behind! He couldn't even look at her! She couldn't look at him! Who the hell thought that was a good idea?

There is a difference between romantic sex and erotic sex. Wait. That came out wrong, like I don't think they can be both. They can, of course. What I mean is...some moments in a book call for a tender, loving sex scene. The first sex scene after the "I love you"s is generally one. The heroine's First Time is definitely one.

The sex should evolve and change just as the characters and their relationship do. It's fine to have all kinds of crazy sex all over the place. But when we finally have an emotional connection, when the H & h are finally truly baring their souls to each other, they should be looking at each other.

That scene-the only truly detailed sex scene in the book-lost me. I don't even remember it very well. I skimmed it, because I was so irritated that in the author's Big Emotional Moment she got scared, and skipped the emotion, and instead gave us a fairly clinical description of two bodies having sex, not two people making love.

Not to mention that as a woman, I couldn't imagine the heroine wouldn't feel pretty upset and cheated that at this very important moment for her, her man doesn't even want to look at her. That he doesn't kiss her once while the action is happening. That her first time is being turned into some porno movie and not the special moment she obviously always wanted it to be.

Nothing's wrong with writing scenes where that position is used. It can be pretty hot. I've done several, every erorom writer I know has done them.

But pick your moments, please.

What's the worst sex scene you ever read? One where you would have gotten out of bed (or the car, or the room, or whatever) because somebody's actions in the heat of the moment were such a turn-off?